Let's make this clear, writing a "Top Ten" list for the worst films you have seen in a year is never fun and as such you find little inspiration while writing about them. Because of this my reasons for disliking a film are probably not very deep, but here you have my
TOP
TEN WORST FILMS OF 2015
10. JOURNEY TO THE SHORE
I am as shocked as anyone to find Kiyoshi Kurosawa's
latest film in one of my “worst of” lists simply because I think
he is a phenomenal director and even when he is a little off his
game, his films are usually at least interesting but sadly “Journey
to the Shore” is just a total misfire. While it is a ghost story,
this is anything but a horror film, rather it is an uninspiring
psuedo-romance tale that does not work on any level. It is
indescribably bad and even the usually excellent Tadanobu Asano
cannot save it, as he looks just as confused in the role he is
playing (a man who drowned three years prior but who comes back as a
ghost) as the audience watching the film. A complete dud from a
usually excellent director.
9. CEMETERY OF SPLENDOUR
I am not comfortable in calling the latest film from
Apichatpong Weerasethakul a bad film (if for no other reason than I
have seen it listed in a number of “Best of” lists), but it was
certainly a film that went right over my head. Because of this I
found the whole thing long, slow and tedious. Normally when you
complain about a slow paced film in this manner, someone will come
along and tell you to go back to watching mind numbing films like
“Transformers”, but these are the kind of films I usually enjoy
most, but I just could not find an access point into “Cemetery of
Splendour” at all and thus found the thing to be incredibly
frustrating.
8. MAGIC MIKE XXL
The original film helmed by Steven Soderbergh was
actually a pleasant surprise, something that cannot be said about its
pointless sequel. This is a film that literally has no drama in it
and as such has no reason to exist. It is over-long and the build up
to the big climatic dance finale is a massive let down. The group of
strippers want to go out with a bang, but the finale is just an
embarrassment. The charm of the original is also totally absent,
which made sitting for two hours with these characters, a complete
chore.
7. JUPITER ASCENDING
Right now I'm sure people are just assuming that I am a
Channing Tatum hater, as this is the second consecutive film on this
list to star the actor. This is certainly not the case, as I think
Tatum is actually very talented and charismatic. It is just
unfortunate that he found himself in two very poor films this year.
Whilst I may be a fan of Channing, the same can no longer be said for
The Wachowskis, the directing siblings responsible for this boring
dreck. I've realised that I have not enjoyed one of their films
since 2003's “The Matrix Reloaded”, however, all trailers for
“Jupiter Ascending” had me believing that this was about to
change. Instead, this ridiculous space opera became my least
favourite film of theirs; it is over long, self indulgent and filled
with over the top, special effects laden action sequences that made
it impossible to work out anything that was happening on screen. It
also has the worst performance of the year from Eddie Redmayne, who
plays the villain, and makes every wrong decision possible in playing
the character. Also, Channing Tatum looks bored throughout the whole
film.
6. MORTDECAI
Seriously, what has happened to Johnny Depp? The man
used to be my favourite actor, but lately he has turned into
something of an embarrassment, and “Mortdecai” is certainly not
helping his cause. For a film that is supposed to be a comedy, I
found the whole thing incredibly bland, and from memory, I think I
only chuckled twice whilst watching it(but my memory fails me in an
attempt to remember these scenes). Instead of laughing, I found
myself feeling sorry and ashamed for all those involved in this
project because it is the kind of comedy that was past its used by
date back in the 60's, let alone today. Turns out constant jokes
about a man's moustache just aren't as funny as they used to be.
5. KNOCK KNOCK
My expectations for this Eli Roth film were admittedly
quite high, but I was not prepared for just how bad this home
invasion “thriller” turned out to be. Thankfully my memory of
the film has almost been wiped clean but I remember that it is
littered with terrible performances, including a shockingly wooden
leading performance from Keanu Reeves. The whole thing also felt so
immature, particularly with some of the laughable dialogue the girls
were spouting and their ridiculous actions. Also when we get to the
finale and find out what the whole point of it was, it felt like a
total cheat and an entire waste of time. I ended up hating this film
with a passion.
4. EXETER
The further we get down this list, the less I remember
about these films but “Exeter” is a terrible horror film from
director Marcus Nispel, who in the past has shown he can put together
a competent film within this genre, thanks to his efforts with the
remakes of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and (the less
successful) “Friday the 13th”. From these films it is obvious
that Nispel has a keen eye when it comes to visuals, but narrative
isn't his strong suit. That is certainly true here, but even the
pretty pictures in “Exeter” do not have that “Wow” factor any
more. The most annoying thing about this film is that it makes no
sense; it is ridiculous, and feels like it has been edited by a five
year old. Add to this that the characters are so unlikeable and are
constantly making bone head decisions, plus it is just not scary.
Sadly this is also a film that doesn't know what type of film it
wants to be, it lacks an identity and when it settles into an
exorcism picture, it is less than satisfactory. I will mention that
it does have a very gory and atmospheric opening five minutes, but it
is all downhill from there (and it feels a bit of a cheat too when we
find out much later in the film, just what the opening scene had to
do with, and how little to do with, the rest of the film). The
distributors of this film also know that they have got a dud on their
hands too, because it has gone through numerous title changes, with
the version I saw having the very bland title, “The Asylum”.
3. RUINED HEART: ANOTHER LOVESTORY BETWEEN A CRIMINAL &
A WHORE
This ultra-cheap film from the prolific, but
ultra-cheap, Filipino filmmaker Khavn de la Cruz is something that I
would hesitate to call a real film, as the entire 73 minute running
time feels more like a music video than a narrative feature. The
story is entirely bare, with the extended title of the film telling
you everything you need to know about the story. Even with such a
short running time, it was a total chore to sit through because it
was so badly put together in terms of storytelling and editing that
you could never really work out a proper time line, nor what was
happening at any given time. Amazingly though for a film that feels
so cheap, Khavn de la Cruz was able to attract the talents of
Japanese superstar Tadanobu Asano (his second appearance on this list
this year!) in one of the lead roles, but more impressive is that he
got Christopher Doyle to lens this garbage. As bad as this film is,
I need to point out that the (majority of the) cinematography of this
film is just outstanding. Doyle is just let loose in a way that we
haven't seen since those 90's Wong Kar Wai films and some of the
images he creates here are simply amazing. I say that “most of”
the cinematography is amazing because if you ever want to know just
how cheap this film is, there are large chunks of it where Asano is
his own camera operator where his extended arm is out recording the
footage of everything he is doing, in a totally “selfie”fashion.
These scenes were just a disgrace and made the film feel like amateur
hour, which it basically is, Doyle's photography not withstanding.
2. THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE III (FULL SEQUENCE)
This is a series that divides the horror community with
it having both, a large group of detractors and fans, and
surprisingly I found myself, after the first two films, to be on the
positive side of this equation. The first film, whilst crude in its
acting and techniques, has to be commended for its vision and never
wavering from it. It is an odd and grotesque story but feels true to
itself, and I appreciated that it left more to the imagination than
its reputation would have you think. The second film is the total
opposite in that it shows every little detail of the degradation and
brutality on screen, and yet, I believe it is the best of the series
because I feel that director, Tom Six, actually has something to say
with the film and that what he is saying also happens to be a valid
opinion too. However, this third film in the series is just
disgusting and there is nothing to defend here. Firstly it is as
boring as batshit, never confronting and is no where near as clever
as Six thinks it is. It is also offensive just for the sake of being
offensive, and its biggest crime is that it has nothing to say at
all. The whole tale is padded out for the majority of its running
time before the point of the film (ie. The human centipede) takes
place in the final ten minutes. It is an ugly film to look at and
the acting is deplorable with shocking performances from everyone
involved but particularly from Eric Roberts and the terrible Dieter
Laser. Also the reason for creating the largest human centipede
ever, has to be the most ridiculous and stupid thing I have ever
heard and to think any character would go along with such an idea in
any world, is just insulting to the audience.
1. HOT PURSUIT
The worst film of 2015, though, had to be this buddy
“comedy” starring Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara. It
literally had NO laughs in it, and had to be the worst pairing, in
terms of chemistry, that I have ever seen in a film. Personally I am
a fan of Witherspoon, and think this film is well and truly beneath
her, but I have never been a fan of Vergara and just do not get the
appeal to her (ok, I see the “appeal”, but they do not make her a
good actress). The script is beyond painful, and it is a film that
just does not work on any level. It has a running time of less than
ninety minutes and it felt like it went forever; never a good sign
for any movie, but the kiss of death for a comedy. Thankfully, most
of this film has been purged from my memory, but I still remember
that this was my worst cinema experience of 2015, and I say avoid
this disaster if you ever get the chance to see it.
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