TOP TEN
WORST FILMS OF 2016
10. THE DISAPPOINTMENT'S ROOM
This is such a strange beast of a film because it
actually has an interesting premise, and then does nothing with it at
all. In fact the whole thing smells like it may have been the victim
of some behind the scenes shenanigans from overzealous producers or a
worried studio. Even though I have nothing to base my suspicions on,
I suspect that everyone that signed on to make this film, thought
they were making a different, much more interesting film rather than
the generic drudge it ended up being, and like its title suggests,
the whole thing ended up as a total disappointment. It is a nothing
film; you forget it seconds after the credits roll, and what was with
the decision to give Kate Beckinsale terrible blonde hair in this;
even this decision was a total mistake.
9. 31
This could've (and perhaps should've) been my biggest
disappointment of the year because I am a huge fan of Rob Zombie and
particularly of his masterpiece “The Devil's Rejects”. His
latest, “31”, was also one of my six most anticipated films of
2016 and from Zombie's own mouth, this was the closest in tone, of
any of his films, to that of “The Devil's Rejects”. Sadly the
new film was nothing close to the earlier film; in fact it was an
utter disgrace and oh, so boring which is something you could never
accuse Zombie of before. All of the characters are one dimensional
and none of them are memorable. And what is with the names given to
all of the antagonists? They are all so juvenile. In fact that is
the best way to sum up this film as the entire thing is juvenile and
so (unnecessarily) vulgar. There is a scene, early on in the film,
at a gas station where Meg Foster's character is explaining to the
other girls, the rules of her “business”; the whole scene is
disgusting and I knew from this point I was going to hate this film.
Also for a film so basic, it doesn't make much sense (which you could
accuse a lot of the dialogue in the film of too). The whole betting
angle involving Malcolm McDowell (in a wig like he had just stepped
off the set of “Barry Lyndon”), is never explained and thus adds
little to the film except more frustration. To me, it feels like
Zombie's heart wasn't into making this film, which may be the case as
he only made it after another project he was trying to get up
couldn't get funding. As much as I disliked “31”, I will say
that I thought the very last scene on the road was fantastic, and the
only time it ever got close to feeling like the masterpiece that is
“The Devil's Rejects”.
8. CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON: SWORD OF DESTINY
Everything about the original “Crouching Tiger, Hidden
Dragon” was an A grade production; from its director, stars,
script, cinematography, all the way to it's kung-fu choreography.
Everything about this sequel, sixteen years too late mind you, is of
a D grade production. The original film's fight choreographer, Yuen
Woo-Ping, steps up to take the directorial duties and while he has
proven to be competent in this role in the past, he is no Ang Lee.
This is just a film that should never had been made. After so much
time, no one was clamouring a sequel, but to make one and then make
one so poor as “Sword of Destiny”, it is a disgrace to the
original film's legacy. The thing that surprised me the most though
was how poor the martial arts scenes were in this film, and how much
they were reliant on CGI in them. Even as I write this, I find
myself shaking my head. This film was just a disaster and it saddens
me to think about it.
7. THE BFG
Its a fact: sometimes great directors make bad films.
Its a fact: Steven Spielberg is a great director. Its a fact: “The
BFG” is a bad film, and in my opinion, is my least favourite film
from this master filmmaker. I think sometimes great filmmakers
(rightly) believe in themselves and their ability, that when their
vision is totally wrong for the material, they continue down that
rabbit hole making wrong decision after wrong decision, until the end
result is almost a disaster. Luckily with the greats this is rare,
but it does happen, but I must admit that I was not expecting such a
bad film from the creative team of “E.T: The Extra Terrestrial”
(Melissa Mathison was on screen writing duties); one of the greatest
and most emotionally packed kids films of all time. “The BFG”
has none of that film's charm or heart at all. Everything about it
feels manufactured. I thought both leads were mis-cast with the
young girl being particularly cringe inducing. Let's put it this
way, she is no Drew Barrymore. It pains me to say this, but I hated
this film and its over-reliance on CGI; it was also far too long. My
kids loved it though, so what the hell do I know?
6. DEMOLITION
Over the years, I have become a big fan of actor Jake
Gyllenhaal (don't stress, he makes an appearance in my top twenty
this year also), and as such, I try to check out everything he does
because he loses himself in his characters and rarely disappoints. I
say rarely because I did not like him nor his character in
“Demolition” at all. It should've been an emotional journey as
we are witness to his character struggling to move on with his life
after his wife dies in a car crash, but he is so obnoxious and his
actions so odd (and at times very selfish) that I just did not care
about him or his plight at all. Because of all this I found
“Demolition” to be a thoroughly unpleasant movie to watch.
5. SING
My girls hate that I am adding “Sing”to this list,
but I'm sorry kids, I hated every second of this movie. The whole
story is very bland and for a film aimed at children, I was stunned
at just how unlikeable most of the characters were in it,
particularly that obnoxious mouse. The whole thing had a “been
there, done that” feel to it all; it was a by the numbers animated
film and the songs were terrible. Kids deserve better!
4. X-MEN: APOCALYPSE
The further I get down this list, the less I remember
about these terrible films so please bear with me. What I do
remember about “X-Men: Apoocalypse” is that it is the perfect
example of what is wrong with today's cinema. The whole thing is
just a mixture of explosions, action and badly rendered CGI in an
attempt to disguise the fact the story being told is nonsensical and
has no heart or real emotion attached to it. I've actually enjoyed
most of the recent “X-Men” films but this is a lazy effort by all
involved, with the exception of Michael Fassbender who still gives a
great performance in this mess. This franchise is starting to look
very tired.
3. YOGA HOSERS
Kevin Smith was a filmmaker that I used to really like
(particularly in the 90's), and one who I thought had something to
say, even if he did so via comedy. However as I have grown up, sadly
Smith has not. In fact his films seem more immature and dumb now,
than they ever did. While I tolerated “Tusk”, “Yoga Hosers”
is many notches below even that, and is a total embarrassment. I
literally almost rolled my eyes through the whole thing, and I felt
so bad for everyone involved in this mess, as I could not believe
that something this ridiculous had actually been made. I mean Nazi
sausages; really???? Smith's humour is just no longer funny,
particularly the terrible character of Guy Lapointe who is
embarrassingly played by Johnny Depp who, like Smith, just doesn't
seem to care anymore. The only reason “Yoga Hosers” is not #1 on
this list is because I thought the two leads, Lily-Rose Depp and
Harley Quinn Smith (yes, they are who you think they are), were both
charming.
2. WE ARE THE FLESH
I was initially interested in this film because it had
been championed by a couple of Mexico's biggest names in cinema:
Oscar winners Alejandro G. Inarritu and Alfonso Cuaron. Before
watching “We Are The Flesh” I was aware that this could be a
divisive “love it or hate it” film. As may be painfully obvious
by its position on this list, I was definitely in the “hate it”
camp! I felt like the film had nothing to say and scenes were only
created with an intent to shock the viewer. Instead rather than
that, its scenes of unending sexual depravity did little to shock and
everything to bore. This was an absolute chore to sit through; ugly
in its look and confused in its meaning and intentions....at least
for me. I know that there are people that adore this film and think
it is very deep in its intentions; I just couldn't find a gateway
into this film to see it in the positive though.
1. GODS OF EGYPT
Horrible CGI, embarrassing performances, story that
makes little to no sense. Overall, a total disgrace and failure on
all levels. I still cannot believe that this was directed by the
same guy who made the brilliant “Dark City”. Life is too short
to spend more time talking about this cinematic disaster. The worst
film of 2016, hands down.
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